Caller #171

short fiction

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3.22.25_Employee:M.Keller_Transcript:Caller#171

This call is being recorded and may be retained for our internal records. Panera Bread customer complaint line. My name is Mason, how can I help you?

Oh! Hi.

Yes, hello. How can I help you?

Sorry. I didn’t know if I was going to get a real person. You know, robo-operators and all that. And AI now, too. I don’t understand anything anymore, sometimes.

Right, ok. I’m a real person. My name is Mason, how can I help you?

Of course. My name is Robert. I was calling to, well, complain.

Mhm. What is the nature of your complaint?

Well, alright, so I was in the Panera location on Atlantic Avenue last week and—the food was wonderful, and the service was great.

Okay. Is that your complaint?

No! Not at all! Sorry, I’m all turned around this week. It’s been one of those–you know when everything seems to be conspiring against you but it’s–maybe it’s just your own mind playing tricks on you? You’ve convinced yourself into or out of a particular line of thinking for reasons entirely unclear?

I–I don’t know. Maybe?

Exactly. It’s very confusing to be a person sometimes. I don’t hardly ever know what I’m doing, and it’s a miracle, I think, that–Vivi, that’s enough, I’ll feed you when I’m done here, darling–sorry, my cat, Vivi, she thinks she can trick me into feeding her whenever is best for her, but like I was saying, I’m the only one who’s good at tricking myself. How I’ve made it forty years, I don’t know, I really don’t know.

Sir, I’m–this is the Panera Bread customer complaint line. What happened to you at the Panera Bread?

You seem like an organized lad, Mason. Right on. As you might have surmised, and as I might have said already, I’m not all together all the time. No, often I’m just the bits and bobbles of a person failing to come together completely. A real ugly quilt of a man–

Sir–

So, anyway, I ordered a Caesar Salad which you really can’t go wrong with–well, you can actually, but they don’t tell you that. They don’t tell you that not all Caesar dressings are made the same and many just don't have the right joie de vivre about them.

So you–didn’t like the dressing?

Oh, no, the dressing was lovely! Maybe a little runny but I value flavor over texture anyday. My father was always very proud of me for that when I was younger. He’d say all the other kids only wanted mac and cheese and chicken nuggets and they couldn’t eat either if they touched one another on the plate. But I had a refined palate, always did. He loved taking me to fancy restaurants and the shock on the waiter’s face when I, 7 or so years old, ordered veal or lobster thermidor or somesuch. I just loved good food and he liked to see me eat well, even though we were very poor.

Oh. That’s–very good of him.

…

I, um, was the other kind of kid. The picky eater. Drove my mom up a wall.

How about now? Gotten any more adventurous?

Not as much as I’d like to. I try, but–my partner and I are basically the same. We don’t push each other enough. I’m sorry, you were saying about your salad?

The word you’re looking for is challenge.

What?

Push is a tough word. There’s something cruel to it, don’t you think? When you push a partner, it becomes your will imposed on theirs. A challenge is, ideally, a well-intentioned suggestion for growth or experimentation—spice of life. No force behind it. Then it’s up to the other person to accept the challenge and move from their comfort zone rather than being pushed. People have to make their own choices, otherwise their actions no longer feel like their own. Do you see what I mean?

Wow. I’d never thought of it like that before.

Another gift from my father. He always said it was him pushing my mother that eventually drove her away. She didn’t leave, he just pushed and pushed until she was out of frame entirely. He didn’t want that for me, he wanted me to find love and hold it close, and so that’s the advice he passed along and now I’m passing it on to you, Mason.

Huh. Did it work? Did you find love?

Oh, many times. I’ve been very lucky to have loved and loved many times over, always falling in and out of it. It comes to me very naturally.

But it didn’t stick.

No, it often doesn’t.

That doesn’t make you sad?

Not at all. Oh–maybe a little. But not enough to blanch all the happiness the love has brought me. I suppose because I took his advice and never pushed, the love always came to a close when it was time—naturally. I’m still close with many of the people I’ve loved. It’s a lovely feeling, wouldn’t you know.

I–uh, I guess I don’t know. I—well I shouldn’t say. We have a complaint to get to—

Difficult things must be said, Mason.

Ah, um, well I guess I worry basically all the time that my partner is going to leave me. Like, maybe because I don’t push it seems like I don’t care. But it’s, it’s the exact opposite. I care so much, it paralyzes me. I love him so much, I can’t even move and that’s, like, the thing that will drive him away. In my head, at least.

Ah. I see what you’re saying. Sticky feet. When was the last time you challenged yourself, Mason? You can’t wait around for him to shake the fear out of you and call that love. If you aren’t an active participant in your own life, well, everything moves on without you.

Oh. Fuck. I mean–I’m sorry. I’ve gotten off track. Your salad, sir. Please tell me about your salad. I need to hear about your salad, I have other calls waiting.

My salad! Right. Well, there was a hair in it.

A hair?

A hair. Long, suspiciously long, and of this rich, rusty red-brown tone. Reminded me of my first dog, Polly. She was a real Lassie type. Calm, regal, loyal till she turned white in the fur. Nothing like Vivi here. Conditional love with this one and yet–well, those conditions are all right with me, I signed on for them, I did. Did you have a pet as a child, Mason?

I did, a Beagle named Tom Cruise. Sir, I really have to move this call along. These calls are timed and if my boss–

You remember how Tom Cruise loved you, Mason? How when he wanted or needed something, he asked for it without hesitation? He didn’t have a silly human brain to complicate things so there was never any question. Tom Cruise knew you cared for him, isn’t that right? And so he came to you, and he couldn’t say what it was that he needed but you knew. And you gave it to him, easily.

Sir?

Love is instinctual like that. You know that your partner cares for you, isn’t that right?

I, well. Yes. Yeah. I know that.

He’s waiting for you to come to him, Mason. He can give you what it is that you need, but you have to show him that you can meet him somewhere other than the place you’ve been stuck.

I have to be an active participant in my life.

That’s right.

More advice from your dad?

Ha. No, that one was all me, right off my balding dome. But–gosh, I sound just like him. Lord Almighty. You know, sometimes I look in the mirror and he looks right back at me. I both recognize myself and am entirely unsure if I’ve ever been anything but him all along. Never been so terrified of a feeling, and I just, well I don’t know what he’d say about all that.

Sir, your dad–is he no longer with us?

…

Sir?

No. No, he’s passed. A year ago this past week. A year.

I’m so sorry. I am. I haven’t lost anyone like that. I can’t imagine.

Oh—Lord, on the year anniversary of my father’s passing, I went to the Panera Bread. Why did I do that?

Oh, um. Well, here at Panera Bread, we’re all family, so–

I don’t think I could bear the taste of anything truly rich and satisfying. I deprived myself of that, didn’t I? I could have gone somewhere we shared a meal together—so many years, so many options. I went to the one place we never did eat together and I ordered a Caesar salad, a terribly boring choice—so I wouldn’t think of him. Is that it?

…

A whole year and I still don’t quite know that he’s gone. I have not wrapped my cluttered head around it. I just can’t quite—He was my best friend, Mason.

Oh. God. That’s–very difficult, well and truly, but—I mean, he’s not really gone, is he?

He is. He’s all gone and well beneath the ground. And I’ve been lonely all this time. I’ve been very lonely.

But, like, you know that you are him, right? I mean–fuck, I don’t know. You gave me that advice and it was all your own but it was still him somehow, yeah? He still lives on in everything he taught you–about love and stuff? That doesn’t sound like much, I’m sorry.

…

But I hear it, sir. I never knew him but I hear him in you. And if he’s–even half as kind and smart as you are, I’m sure he was a great man. Does that make sense?

I don’t think I care about the hair in my salad, Mason.

I know that, sir.

Well, I did care a little bit when I found it. But I never even thought about telling anyone.

Your dad wouldn’t have told anyone, huh?

Ha. No, he wouldn’t. Complaining was not in his nature.

It’s not in mine either. I think that’s why I’m here.

Here on Earth?

No, at the Panera Bread customer complaint call center.

Right. Why are you here on Earth, then?

Um, I don’t know. Would it be stupid if I said–if it was for this? To get to this call? It feels important. Like, almost massive, honestly.

Well, that’s a good start. Very in-the-moment thinking. Live for the now. Yes, I like that quite a lot. But you have to move, remember. Active participant and all that. So what’s beyond this? What do you do next?

Well, I have a bunch more calls–

All that is going to happen to you. What will you do, Mason?

Oh.

…

I think–

…

Well, no. I know. I’m gonna leave work in an hour and I’m gonna call my partner and–I’m telling him we’re going out to eat. I’m taking him somewhere fancy where the food touches and has complicated flavors and we’re going to surprise ourselves. And I’m gonna try really fucking hard to say things to him that are–challenging. And I don’t know what it’ll look like, which is pretty scary but, well, I’m gonna do it anyway. That’s it. That’s what I’m here for. At least for now.

That’s right. That’s right. Thank you for your help, Mason. Complaint resolved.

Oh, right. Okay. Are you sure there’s nothing else I can help with?

No, I believe that’s it. I think I’ll take a trip this afternoon and so I should really be going.

Alright. Wonderful. Well, okay, I’m happy I could help, sir. All of us here at Panera Bread sincerely wish you and Vivi a wonderful rest of your day. Okay. Goodbye.

Buh-bye. Till the next hair.

This call has ended. Duration: 14 minutes, 14 seconds. Case #171 closed.

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